But Brown has waded through much of the science around brains and gender, concluding that the sex we are assigned at birth has little to do with who we are as people. While there is no consensus within the scientific community, many studies assert that there is no male or female brain (one study calls them “intersex”), no inherent desire for cleats or ballet shoes tied to gender, no special skill sets or ingrained behavior. “There are very, very few differences in cognition and behavior,” between young boys and girls,” says Brown.
There are, of course, physical differences wrought by hormones — muscle mass, fat, and, of course, the development of sexual characteristics. Some studies also assert that there is an inherent preference for toys with wheels among boys, perhaps due to differences in the development of fine versus gross motor skills. (One study found this to be true even in monkeys.)
But it’s possible that many of the differences between young boys and girls come from the way we approach child rearing, and the messages kids get about how boys and girls should look and behave: the cultural stereotypes we impose on them that become self-fulfilling prophesies of sorts. “It’s almost entirely cultural,” Brown says. Natal sex, in other words, is less predictive of who your children will be than of how you will treat them.
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So rather than asking if a pregnant woman is having a boy or girl — or hoping for one or the other ourselves — why don’t we focus on raising our children free of gender-based expectations, to help them grow into their authentic selves? This doesn’t mean that we should ignore gender, or that biology or gender identity are irrelevant. It means that we shouldn’t define our children’s experiences because of those things.
The truth is, our children will always be different than who we imagined them to be. Indeed, the demure children in the girly outfits I envisioned those years ago aren’t the daughters I have. But that’s OK. Being sweet or courageous or patient or driven are good things. We just shouldn’t think they apply to kids based on gender.
